There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
