a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
