Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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