There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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