so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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