I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
