Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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