The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize