question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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