Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
