11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
