I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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