This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize