Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dick very happy bro
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
