Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
