Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Randomize
