I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Oh god it's open bar.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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