I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
