Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
