if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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