Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
