So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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