The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
