So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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