The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
