I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
