I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
