you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
