I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
