so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
