dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize