Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
