Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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