I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
