ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
