I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
