if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
