i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
