remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
