woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
