We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
