chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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