Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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