I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize