Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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