My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
