I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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