god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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