Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
