and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
