this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
