were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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