We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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