I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
