I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
