eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
