Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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