I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
