Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Boobs speak an international language.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
