Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
