You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
