Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
