You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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