my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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