And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
