I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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