god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dear god my vagina.
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