That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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